♥adore

2010-06-28T00:57:00.002+08:00

Mothers day was horrible. The anniversary outing was worse. I was shouted at in the afternoon n at night i was scolded fuck u many times. Why? He has never ever used vulgarities on mi before. I was so lookin forward to a whole day out today n suggested chillin out wif the bubs n it was all arranged den sud he rem got football to watch, so i cried in disappointment. End up wif him shoutin at mi when i was reasonin how i was lookin forward to dis special day, planned eat seoulgarden too bud afternoon he oso shouted wad is yr prob to mi when rx was yellin/cryin n his mum was blowin hair n i was doing photos so i shouted from room since he outside to take care of darling n he thot i shout at him bud he was in kitchen wad i dun raise voice how he hear den he came to mi n shout in my face. Den he went to sleep so my moid for seoulgarden oso gone. I dun tink i wan to haf anymore xpectations of any impt dates to mi anymore. Whole day his face so gloomy when we onli left house at 4pm n ended up doin wad? Walkin in jp. I cried enuff. Im scolded enough. Deres sumthin with his temper since rx born. He even refer her as the kid the kid the kid when he was angry.

B strong b strong...

2010-05-25T00:25:00.001+08:00

The person whom i nid to comfort n love mi most doesnt do so. I got it from my mummy n my best fren. Is that enough for mi?

When will the pnd go away?!

2010-05-20T01:00:00.002+08:00

I didnt take meds dat was supposed to make the hormones balanced but sideeffects were scary like weight gain, dizzy, headache, blur.
The meds supposed to help cure 50% of the pnd while the other 50% was from love support from my husband. Obviously the man chooses his support as 100% since i didnt wanna take meds.
However his temper n rage n impatience has been on the rise since rx was born. N his shoutin n anger will trigger my pnd. :( :(
if it is hard fer a normal heathy man to curb his emotions, wad more can he xpect from mi who is sick n unwell?
As usual the monster triggers my depression 99% of the time by sayin how much rx adores her n wan her makin mi soooo jealous n angry. Its apparent that disipline cleaningup naggings r my job while monster onli gives play to rx.
When hubbyvkeeps scoldin rx not to go into the kitchen, monster will praise rx for goin in kitchen to find her.
We wan to make rx learn how to sit n wait but all she nid to do is look at the monster n monster will carry her.
I keep thinkin n thinkin n all i wan is love from pple i love.
Rx adores monster
hubby violent temper who dun show affection
who else do i haf left?
My mother i left bhind at home...
My dog who loves mi the most...
I guess i nid to b stronger n stop cryin from loneliness.
My pnd scares mi alot.
Its like i haf another voice tokin to mi, tellin mi to go n die.
Tellin mi i haf nobody. Thats the emotional torture. Physically, i get panic/anxiety attacks which totally freaks mi out.
Im tired of this shit n comfort that i nid from him will nvr come.

canary...

2010-04-25T19:03:00.002+08:00

hope the prayers get to the canary and it will get well soon.

it came to visit us when i was 3 months preggie. we decided to keep it for at most a week as a guest so we even bought a cheap cage for it to stay in. den when the week was up, we wanted to set it free again but hubby's mother said it prob belonged to someone so she kept it to wait for someone to redeem it.

time flies, over a year already. the bird is still here. and it has grown weaker. so much so that it cant even fly anymore. di n mui took it to the vet and it is now in the hospital receiving treatment.

i really regret not standing by my stand a year ago letting it go. to mi it was a guest sent to visit. why did it become a captive and how did it become like this.

i really believe in guest thingy.

i still rem when i was pri4, very lonely at home. He sent mi this very cute pigeon that landed on my window sill. it accompanied mi for another two years until i had more friends and one day it just decided to go. and true enough, it just simply flew away. i cried like buckets coz i adored it so much but it was given to mi coz i nided it then and it has gone to help another person.

hence this canary. there was once hubby wanted to fake that it accidentally flew away but his mother said dad liked the little yellow bird.

i really tink dis gift should go back to the sky and visit someone else who nids it.

got de iphone..

2010-04-19T23:36:00.002+08:00

never was a fan of that super un user friendly phone.
hubby and my best friend both has the phone and they tell mi how wonderful it is.
but i had trouble typing on it.
i oso had trouble customizing it.
but..
one day while happily taking videos n photos of my cute little rx, my sonyeric phone OUT OF MEMORY.
==;;;
and using iphones camera i can take moving pics of rx more clearly than my sonyeric phone.
==;;;
so in the end,
hubby bought mi de iphone.

but believe mi, i took 1 whole week to find a phone casing i would like b4 i even got the phone. so u can imagine how i dislike its look. finally bought the phone AFTER i had a customized casing done for it. hurhur i dun know how to upload it into the com yet so show u guys the casing when hubby teach mi how to use this stupid phone.

for rx!! bye sonyeric. hi iphone. yucks

I CANT EVEN PUT MY OWN SMS RINGTONE and i cannot put my own mp3 as ringtone oso. WTF!

u know...

2010-04-11T00:47:00.002+08:00

i thought i wont be blogging about angry things again coz my chinese medicine been working and i haf been quite well. HOWEVER, hubby reminded mi that during those days when i was well is when that monster is not at home most of the time and i had baby all to myself.

now its near 1am.

baby is in her fucking room, listening to her loud KTV hokkien music with the loud bass booming away.

she really hates baby to sleep. she thinks sleeping babies end up stupid.

in the afternoon, she oso will purposely knock the door when baby trying to sleep, to make baby turn ard to hear the knocking sound from where. if baby dun turn, she will continue to knock. WTF INCONSIDERATE IS THAT?

in the morning, she will go bing bang boom all the loud loud noises to wake baby up when baby is sleepin outside. i dono if its intentional for this one.

i dun understand her. i really dunno wad she wan. she wan a kid? go fucking fuck someone and get another child. dun fucking always take mine away from mi from my arms whenever you are FREE and haf nothing to do.

MY baby is NOT your fucking play toy.

ps: u know if baby everytime see her dun smile at her, she wont let baby go. baby HAS to smile at her everytime she see her. its a MUST.

astonished after a flip flip~!~! lolx

2010-03-29T00:20:00.000+08:00

trying...still trying...

2010-03-24T23:33:00.002+08:00

i really wanna get well...
but its so hard...
i know she adores my little girl...but why must she always take her away from mi when i haf my girl's attention on mi?
best is always when im tryin to coax her to sleep, she will come and play with my girl until my girl smile at her then she happy. like juz now...my girl tryin to sleep..with the dudu in her mouth...she came and pluck out the dudu and ask my girl to smile at her first den can sleep. ><;;;;;;
den after that keep telling mi she wanna sleep already, going to sleep already then when i singing song to my girl and she almost dozing off, she come and talk to mi about dis and that and my girl open her eyes to look again.

i really dun understand...she hates my girl sleeping issit? coz she herself sleep at 3am so my girl cannot sleep earlier? i myself nid to sleep leh...she wake at 11 to 12pm next day but i wake in the morning.

den juz now hubby n mi took baby down for a walk den she always walk finish will wan to take a SHORT nap. den when at home, hubby told his mother that baby going to nap..she dun believe say baby wans to go out and play still. end up baby really fell asleep for that short 30mins.

i really think my MIL hates to see my baby sleeping. and she doesnt wan baby to spend time with mi. i wan to go home......

bitch bitch bitch

2010-03-22T19:22:00.003+08:00

keeps taking MY baby away from mi.

cry oso take away,
play oso take away.

FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER

and i cannot say no...i wan to be the one to comfort my baby.

FUCKER BITCH

keeps SNATCHING MY BABY AWAY FROM ME and let mi just sit here do nothing but hear her crying outside with her.

FUCK FUCK FUCK.

dun even let mi try.

FUCK HER FUCK HER FUCK HER.

how should i feel as HER REAL MOTHER?

why am i sick with PND? its oso becoz of her, always taking away my baby from mi until i feel my baby dunnid mi, dun lurve mi. and yet she never understand, if tell her nicely, she say u disrespect her that she brought up 2 kids already. then what? I WONT GET TO BRING UP MY OWN KID becoz of that reason? she wan one more kid go GIF BIRTH YOURSELF. when i was pregnant, you NEVER BOTHERED how i was or how baby was growing inside. outside h1n1, u still come back and cough into my face. when i bled during first few months, you oso were quite happy that baby maybe gone. AND NOW WHEN YOU SEE HER LOOKING LIKE YOUR SON, you take her away from me when i was the one who protected her that 9months.

HOW I FEEL??????

i feel like a piece of my flesh being taken away from me.

today i gathered up courage to open my mouth to tell her how i feel...BUT STILL FAIL.

2010-03-21T11:56:00.003+08:00

i told her im under stress and it makes mi very uncomfortable hearing herself refer herself as "MAK MAK" or "MAH MAH" to my daughter.

i told her i had a fren who has dis issue too.

she said if she changed the way she calls herself, she would be the one under stress and told mi not to listen to my friend. i said wad if baby really calls wrongly in future, she keeps saying wont one, out baby different from other peoples baby.

okay, i tried my very best not to break down and cry in front of her since that's the way she insist it to be.

at most, i carry my baby back to my house when that day happens.

and i oso mentioned that doesnt she notice that baby coos/smiles and very happy to see her compared to everyone else in the family, she said no la, everyone oso the same, rubbish. i got eyes to see for myself.

so upset and pissed off.

tryin so hard not to get mad...

2010-03-18T14:27:00.000+08:00

im the mother.
im the mother.
im the mother.

yet u keep MAK MAK here, sometimes u even refer to yourself as mummy here to MY BABY.

my baby already always see u will auto smile, auto laugh, lurve being with u.

yet when i feed her, YOU WILL SNATCH AND TAKE OVER.

den bring her into YOUR room and listen to YOUR fucking hokkien music.

my room oso got music now.

this is MY DAUGHTER. STOP FUCKING TAKING HER AWAY FROM ME.

she used to smile and coo seeing mi, now she onli wan to be with that PIRATED MOTHER. she see mi and keep turning her head now.

IM FUCKING ANGR WITH THAT woman.

why cant i go back home?

2010-03-12T13:58:00.003+08:00

i really dun understand why everytime i mention going back my home to stay, hubby doesnt wan to.

juz now my anger rose again when my father in law, yes this time its FATHER in law, opened the door to look at sleeping rx (and their door creaks no matter how u oil it.) Rx stirs at the creaking door EVERYTIME. and he can happily come out and say baby is waking up. OBVIOUS RITE????? ITS BECOZ OF THE FUCKING CREAKING DOOR?!?!?!

den nvm he said to open the door den got ventilation. I ALSO FUCKING KNOW OPEN DOOR WILL HAVE MORE AIR but there is also a MOTHER IN LAW that makes loud noises (like moving those heavy chairs) and she talk/laugh loudly that will wake baby up in fright as well. DONT THEY REALISE I OPEN THE DOOR WHEN THEY ARE BOTH NOT AT HOME?

den he said let baby get used to the frights.

WTF? a baby who still dont know shit, cries when woken up from sleep, has to LEARN HOW TO GET USED TO FRIGHTS/NOISE?

i really duno wad this family is thinking.

WHY IN THE FIRST PLACE NOT AT MY HOME? BECOZ THEY SCARED SUGAR's BARK FRIGHTEN HER.

den wads the diff between HERE AND MY HOME? my home only one bark issue. HERE SO MANY ISSUES. they can say dog bark very loud. THEIR NOISE NOT LOUD????????

IM SICK AND TIRED OF FIGHTING FIGHTING FIGHTING for my baby's proper sleep WITHOUT CRYING herself to sleep.

when she cries and wake from fright, WHO IS THE ONE WHO NID TO MANAGE? OSO ME! i see her wail like that, xim dono how tiah.

when shes bigger, know about things, tell mi let her get used to noise when sleeping, MAKES MORE SENSE than now asking a 4mths old baby to learn.

EVEN MYSELF CANNOT SLEEP WITH ALL THOSE NOISE THEY MAKE.

..............................

why cant i fucking go home where my life and my baby's life will NOT be under control.

Happie Chinese New Year To All My PaPa n MaMa 's Frenz~

2010-02-13T15:18:00.002+08:00

~*SmOoChEssSs*~

love love

2010-02-05T11:54:00.003+08:00

ate my fav seoul garden with hubby grumbling away over kushinbo is much better without oil splirting on his arms. lol
walked ard in bugis to find couple tshirts which i bought for both of us to wear during cny eve.
took neoprints YAY my favourite, only get to do dis like once a year. g_g
walked and walked and hubby was exasperated not knowing wad to get for mi. ended up at puremilk where he chose a long shirt for mi to wear as pyjamas. haha
was happy la, able to spend those hours with hubby tho i know he was very bored window shopping. =X

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

juz that came home once again to an overactive baby who wans to sleep but kenot. always happens when we leave her in MIL's care. she will end up playing whole afternoon/evening then when bedtime she yawns but struggle to sleep. then my MIL goes out leaving the wailing baby to mi. she did try to put her to sleep, (after i was grumbling dat she over played already hard to sleep.)giving her the herbal powder but she had to go out already else the flower shop will close so she juz said baby sleepy already sure sleep den gif mi carry. sigh. end up she cry and cry until finally exhausted den fell asleep. it is not the first time already. EVERYTIME we leave her in MIL's care, she ends up playing and not sleeping den wailing herself to sleep by 10pm. zzz if we never go out, everyday she never cry at all. sleep, eat, play, all okay. so is she right all the time? she still thinks so.

now dis is a surprise~

2010-02-02T07:40:00.001+08:00

didi and mui gave mi dis dolphin for bdae. :D
didnt expect to still get softies at my age.
BUT i really prefer soft toys over many many other things. hahaha
thanks u two!

all planned...

2010-02-01T21:07:00.004+08:00

okay!
i haf decided..
on my birthdae...
will go buy new pillows (since the old ones are quite smelly now)
will go kiddy palace stock up on baby stuff
will go back my house change bedsheets for cny
will help MIL get some toothbrush holders that she saw mi buy for hubby
will probably on the way see some shirt or pyjamas n get hubby yo buy fer mi
lol
sigh
lol
all planned!

ps: rofl, thanks ermei for the surprise that u were thinking of, hubby actually told mi about it and said he replied no nid for mi already. *slap forehead* lololol actually, the person whom i really wan to even gif mi one slice of cake is him lor. budden, the route we taking as stated above, dun tink got pass by cake shop. and the itinarary above is also the so called "Spending time together" like how he replied to u. lol *Slap forehead again* its okay la, im so used to it by now already. THANKS AGAIN HOR ERMEI!!!!! thought that counts!!!!! *big big hugz* =D

Happy Valentines!

2010-01-31T18:40:00.002+08:00

okay! again (for the past 10 years) i bought my own vday present den claim back $$$ from hubby.
bought dis bear and his name will be valentines. lol

not really lookin forward to my bday this year. again i nid to find my own present and claim. i mean which girl dun like a gift given to her, chosen by her own husband? but den he always not romantic one, end up i always buy and claim. zzz

and my mother, gives mi 2nd hand or 3rd hand gifts that she finds from other people who donated them away to salvation army.

zzz

show mi de lurve man!

play dog in petville (facebook)

2010-01-24T10:46:00.000+08:00

Rx laughs and coos at dis funny dog!

Happie 3 months old cutie rx! :D

2010-01-21T10:13:00.001+08:00

Daddy and Mummy <3 you! =))

muakzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ^_^

bbq bbq chicken wings here i come! :D

2010-01-15T19:12:00.001+08:00

so excited about tonights dinner!

2010-01-15T13:06:00.002+08:00

with the usual gang at bedok 85!!! omgomgomg!!!
so looking forward to it~
suggested going there to eat MAINLY becoz of bro wee. so lazy bro wee maybe can go..but hubby hasnt told mi if hes going.

nvm!! i still get to eat chickenwings and barchormee!!!
omgomgomg!!!
cant wait cant wait~ xD

pls ask hubby out when u guys r free! we really nid outings! else at home, he sit at the computer, i in the room with baby, we hardly talk, never hold hands, no time to even get a hug or a kiss.
boohoohoo

play gym~

2010-01-11T12:12:00.001+08:00

thankie uncle tim, uncle wee, uncle james n jiejie veron ferde playmat!

poor darling..

2010-01-06T17:17:00.000+08:00

down wif a mild fever from her vaccination yesterday. :(

dragonball

2010-01-03T22:29:00.001+08:00

"wo shi chao ji sai yah ren!!" xD

still hicupping at 2mths+ old! g_g

2009-12-27T14:32:00.000+08:00

hiccup! hiccup~ lolx

Merry Christmas to all~!~! =D

2009-12-25T11:17:00.001+08:00

^__________^ hohoho~

Happie 2 months old rx~!~!

2009-12-21T22:07:00.001+08:00

happy happy~!~! =D

curve

2009-12-18T00:42:00.002+08:00

she will just be bending forward on my lap suddenly and then jerk her body to the totally opposite direction and curved this way.
i so worried my hand holdin her neck part becoz holding on but her body continue to turn then will sprain tio or wad. or if hold neck too loosely, she jerk then whole head can swing to the other side oso. its very very sudden jerking movements. hence im worried about not holding her too tight or too loose.
or buddy u mean her back facing mi and arms in front?
currently, i tryin with her back facing my side. means she sitting sideways on my lap. but she still can do that super curve jerk. ==;
very scary la.
shes too strong already. ~_~

1am

2009-12-17T01:00:00.002+08:00

i really dun understand y i juz finished feeding milkmilk to rx and she is sleeping soundly in my arms, her makmak has to carry her away and wake her up to play/talk to her.
at 1am??????
arent we supposed to gif babies a day/night routine so hubby can sleep at night?
and i cannot say no..dun carry her away..shes sleeping already.
zzz

see..

2009-12-15T17:22:00.004+08:00

juz as i blog finish, i saw my MIL go toilet to make herself more comfy after going out so bb left on her bed. so i go out and carry lor...i know she cannot lie down one after milk, finish or not finish.
true enough the moment i carry, she spit milk out all over my arm.
my MIL came out and say she dunwan to drink already.
i was tinking...she dun even wan to try hard enough.
put the milk bottle tip at the lips and dun even wan to let bb taste milk then say she dunwan and put away.
den again my MIL took bb away from my arms and ask how come she spit milk, i said we already told u that she cannot put down after a feed one. then she keep saying how come how come. so when she took bb away from my arms again, i told her dun put her down already ok? (i tink i sounded quited pissed off already. When already from day ONE, we already told her CANNOT put bb down after a feed.) den bb cry den she say orh let her try milkmilk again then she finally gave bb her half bottle of milk and den now bb drinkin as i blogging.

I REALLY REALLY AM SO FRUSTRATED. ==;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

every bb is different, different style, different habits. dun put the things u learnt from bringing up hubby and his bro onto reia, thinkin she will follow the same pattern. u oso say before wad...one bro can poo daily..the other bro poo alt days. and i oso say before dey both drink diff milk brands...and u oso say before one burp very easy, one burp harder. so of course rx has her own unique style.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

bewildered

2009-12-15T17:15:00.002+08:00

she went out dis afternoon so hubby went to sleep since he takin night shift mah.
den she came back early, i was feeding bb milkmilk...so she decided to play with bb and woke hubby up. hubby said hes tryin to sleep but his mother said she wans to wake bb up so bb can burp properly.
den end up she say she carry bb off my arms and say she will continue her half feeding half a bottle of milk.
she bring bb out and play with my FIL den burp her and then feed her again.
den now bb never finish her milk.
and she put bb down in her bed when its not supposed to put bb down on bed after a feed to prevent spitting up of milk?
~_~
i dono la...
finish milk oso she say one
dun finish milk oso she say one
juz now she even tell bb dat mummy will force her to drink milk.
~_~
i am so bewildered.

burp burp ><

2009-12-14T21:21:00.002+08:00

bb is really hard to burp.
dere r a few ways like putting her over shoulder, resting chin on hand or resting cheek on hand to burp.
but rx has so much prob burping.
every little air trapped, she will cry so bad n struggle so much dat noone can really put her into a burping position.
she drink milkmilk halfway oso will feel the air n start to wail n refuse to eat but is hungry.
really breaks my heart to see her like so in pain.. :(
her pd gave her ridwind medi but it seemed to make her haf more trapped air n even more frustrated.
:(
feels so useless dat i kenot even help her. :(

so funny

2009-12-12T00:27:00.002+08:00

diff babies diff habits too?
rx can drink milkmilk halfway and start to poopoo in her diapers and refuse to drink milk until she is done. yet she wans somethin in her mouth while she poos so she use a dudu to focus on poo-ing until complete. g_g
den after poopoo, she can remain in her dirty diapers and continue her milkmilk.
~_~
funny habit!

n becoz of all the previous issues dat i blogged before, now as she begins to remember smell/faces/voices, she wans her makmak to carry her den she will not cry. zzz
like juz now she sleepin in my arms on my bed, her makmak wan to carry her out to sleep. den when she cry and either papa or mama wan to carry, her makmak again will rush and take over. YET her makmak will tell us haf to everyone carry carry her else she onli recognise one person. guess wad i did? i pointed to her and said u lor. tho i did it in a jokingly manner but it is true that bb dun really recognise us anymore but her makmak. :(
i feel like a maid still lor.
instead of takin care of bb, im the one doing laundry, cleaning her stuff, while being "ordered" by makmak to do this for her do that for her while she is the one holding on to bb. :( :( :( i really dun understand.
y i cannot be the one taking care of bb while she helps instead?
issit the norm nowadays that mothers dun take care of babies but let their makmaks do it while the mothers become "servants?"
:(:(:(
den everytime i nid to wait for makmak to sleep den i can haf bb to myself. or when makmak does her nightly beauty regime. bb has a mama and a makmak. i would be terribly upset if she doesnt wan her mama. zzz

hugz!

2009-12-05T20:39:00.000+08:00

<3 <3

hmm

2009-12-05T18:22:00.003+08:00

dis morn hubby argue with mil when he was bathing rx.
rx ever since bathing day1, she always cry when out of the bath water.
means she will cry when wearing clothes/diapers after bath.
mil came into the room when she hear rx cry and kept using her voice loud loud to talk to rx to calm her down but rx continue to cry.
den hubby was tryin to quickly dry her and dress her up.
den mil kept asking hubby to stop dressing her and carry her up naked first to calm her down.
den she oso warn hubby cannot let bb cry loudly else will go breathless and (u know wad la).
den hubby told her that he never hear of bb cry until (u know wad).
den they argue lor.
hubby say should quickly dress her then carry her liao.
mil say dun dress until calm down.
but rx is..she will continue to cry as long as the dressing continues.
so how?
den hubby told her to keep quiet as he already very irritated and frustrated.
den mil said taking care of bb is liddat, nid patience, kenot be irritated with her crying. den hubby keep quiet.
in my heart i KNOW that hubby was NOT irritated with the crying at all. coz we been bathing her everyday and we already concluded that bb crying is juz to communicate wif us not to irritate.
true enough when everything was calm, i asked hubby wad he was frustrated about. he said it was of his mother coming in then makin a hooha out of a small issue. den her voice was booming in the room with the cries den keep rushing hubby and scaring him with the crying will make bb (u know wad) thing. zzz
i asked hubby y dun explain to his mother how he feel?
coz after that his mother told him, he not enough sleep then will so bad tempered and irritated by bb. BUT IT IS NOT BB who irritated him!
he say no point to explain to her so he rather be misunderstood.
filial hubby.
den end up hubby told her to bathe bb tomolo den see how good she is in not letting bb cry.
sigh. i feel bb goin to be an experiment tml.
it's a tough choice tryin to choose between
1) crying in a few mins and quickly get everything done (hubby's method)
2) crying for longer time but pauses in crying in between while things are slowly done (mil method)
but we both dislike the part where she say babies will (u know wad) if they cry too loudly. ==;;;;;;

ARGHGHGHGHGHGHGGHGGGHGH

2009-12-01T22:24:00.004+08:00

i keep tellin myself to 4get it 4get it, let dem do wad they wan, let dem do wad they wan.

but i simply hate it hate it hate it when i haf no control at all over my OWN baby's wellbeing.

she's the one who says to drag the milk hours and feed more
but when baby cries,
she's oso the one who keeps asking us to feed her milk, if we say time not there yet, she will feed her water den say can shut her up can already.

i really dono how right that is.

i dislike the word "nen nen" oso. WTF is a nen nen? is milk milk very hard to say? she goes "nen nen" and hubby follows her and goes nen nen. den when she coaxs baby to shit, she will say "biu c, biu c" WTF is a "biu c?" i mean u take care of your kids growing up using these words okay its your children but im the mother and i prefer using words like MILK MILK and POO POO.

and worst of all is she keeps carrying baby and refers herself as "mak mak" is here. i dono is her pronounciation of mama or shes saying ahmah but she uses double words into a "mak mak sayang" thingy.

im so worried my baby will not remember mi as her mama. =((((((

she does the carrying and playing...

i do the washing, cleaning, sterilizing, boiling water, etc etc. =((((((

i wanna bond with my baby too.

even hubby oso bo bian. she does it her way and hubby juz lets her do it.

im very disturbed but trying trying very so damn hard not to care.

i super SUPER hate it when she assumes something happening and insists she is rite. zzz

and now as im typing shes down there, nek nek coming, nen nen coming, then switch to nek nek again. farking horrible word.

then this afternoon mi and baby takin a nap, she will come into the room and wake both of us up and tok to us. i know she nids someone to tok to, but we got up at 7am to go see her PA so of course tired out but haf to hear her repeat her stories. den even when tired hubby is sleeping, she will oso continue to tok at full volume of her voice. i really dono wad la...den at the end of everything, she will keep reminding hubby how good she was a mother to him and that she stayed full time housewife to look after him. blablabla, everyday at least one time remind him.

sigh. i know with baby, she and my fatherinlaw got more things to tok about and they can play with baby together. but who put themselves in my shoes? how will the REAL mother feel?

thoughts..

2009-11-30T22:53:00.002+08:00

ermei suddenly reminded mi.."its okay as long as im happy."

am i really happy???????

im hungry and tired most of the time while seems like not enough 24 hours in a day to finish doing things.

dis kenot eat, that kenot eat, i end up eating bread for lunch and dinner. wtf?

u know no food = angry mi

and im farking angry rite now.

...............

really speechless.

im so farking pissed off rite now that i can screw u upside down if i can.

fight mi. i will fight back.

bunny bunny

2009-11-29T15:54:00.001+08:00

dis is the hood dat mil got for rx when she's older. currently modelled by rx's mother.

da prize!

2009-11-28T19:43:00.001+08:00

look @ all the stretchmarks~!!

for the reward dat came~!!

dat's the face which says it all~!!

"i'm so worth it~!!"

busy

2009-11-28T18:20:00.002+08:00

when his parents went for holiday, it was pretty fun and nice taking care of baby together with hubby. but it was really very hectic trying to handle washing of her/my clothes, preparing milk/sterilizing stuff, catching the sunlight before it rains so clothes can dry, timing her bath properly so wont clash with feeds and after feeds, cooking, preparing food for hubby and mi, washing up dishes after, blablabla household stuff.
WAH Dun even haf time to look at my phone or take a rest until i caught a cold ==;;;
haf to wear a mask now as told by the GP when taking care of her.
sorry hor ermei and friends who smsed but my replies were always so late. lolol, really too hectic at home.
but we had her all to ourselves! =D the feeling of bonding was great!

his parents are back now. see i even haf time to blog already. the best grandfather of all takes care of the linen of the household while i only nid to take care of baby's clothes. he helps clean the house floor as well and empties the garbage. he will also buy lunch back so much of my chores are taken care of.

hubby has more time to go back gaming.

but the same issues surface again, diff upbringing methods. haha. hubby was bathing her and she began to cry, mil quickly carry her and stopped hubby. den began to tell hubby do this do that when hubby was doing everything fine when they were out of town. then when baby crying in her bed, i took her up and before i try to comfort, mil carry her away saying let her do it let her do it. lol...but of course baby continue to cry la...until comfort till sleep. it's like she dun trust us taking care of bb. or she really cares for bb. budden she oso forgot about bb when she said go dinner together outside den hubby say cannot leave baby alone wad den she said she forgot got bb. lol

she bought a very cute and nice jacket for rx tho from korea. its really cute. lol, i took to wash already so no picture to show. it's pick with pokka dots, a hood, paws as hands and furry ball balls at the side. she said dere wasnt much time shopping so she only got snacks back for everyone, no time to really do much shopping.

im only concerned with overfeeding bb. it's like dey already increased the milk to 110ml (the tin says to feed 4 hourly with such an amt but shes demanding milk at 3 hours) then jus now only over 2 hours, she start to cry and mil insisted she was hungry and told hubby to make the milk. however, i put the dudu in her mouth and she went back to sleep. but hubby was already in the kitchen wanting to do the milk. i was quite stressed. anyone knows if a baby will continue to eat even when shes full?

out of sorts

2009-11-22T23:19:00.003+08:00

been quite upset these 2 days becoz of violent/shouts/fights (no hitting involved tho) with Hubby.

not the first time anyway, happened all the way from while i was not pregnant, pregnant and until now. 99% of the time he flares up at mi over his game.

yesterday was due to a screw up by the towncouncil who came earlier than wad dey said n he was in the midst of a raid. dis was the biggest temper he threw i guess. and i was blamed for calling the towncouncil in the first place to remove the "bulky item". (the mattress is he himself wan to throw away one) i wanted to help by asking the rubbish people to help bring downstairs throw ma, so hubby onli nid to put it outside the door. but alas the people came at a wrong timing and i was yelled at to shuddup and was called stupid as well. i see him using all his anger to drag the heavy mattess from the room to the door. along the way, toppling over my bottle of water and he got even mad and kicked the bottle, water spilling all over the room floor, alot of noise and anger as he made his way with the mattress to the door. i found the action very uncalled for as it wasnt my fault in anyway. but he blamed mi for not listening to him. he said to call AFTER he got the mattress to the door. i called earlier becoz i was TOLD by the towncouncil staff that i nid to call a day in advance for them to pick it up. i already made a last attempt to call on THE DAT itself already and they said 2pm to 4pm yet they came at like 12+pm. liddat oso my fault? zzz i was so sad that i left the house. yes leaving both him and our baby. i packed my important things and went back home. den i took a doubledeck bus, sat right at the top, to think things thru and travelled all the way to old airport road. along the way, he smsed mi but not to apologise but to say how wrong i was. dono how much tears i shed on that bus that afternoon. in the end, i didnt take the bus to the end but decided to drop at some ntuc that the bus passed by and bought eggs (his house no more eggs) den took a cab back his house. at night then he drove mi back to my home to pick up my things.

then today...another thing happened, not so drama...but as usual the game was involved again. summary, i juz slept for 45mins and he woke mi up to feed baby as he was areanaing when the nanny gave him baby to help her food while she go cook. i felt that my rest and baby's meal wasnt as impt as his game again. i was wondering where did the hubby and daddy go to when rx was just born? i still rem him saying he can quit all his games and nothing was more impt than us. but if u notice, the day he stopped blogging about rx...was the day he went back to his games.

i really wish such fights wont happen again. i keep telling myself NOT to talk to him or disturb him when hes gaming...but hes gaming all the time. and when i nid his help, i dono where to start.

i look at myself in the mirror and i hate how i look like now. fat, hairmessy, stretchmarks, my whole body out of shape. how to keep my husband dis way? i oso tried to fake those "teh u teh u" kind of girl, but i simply cannot pull it thru. i really dono how to keep this man, or rather make him show his affection to mi. i really cried enough.

cutie happy~!~!~!

2009-11-22T02:08:00.001+08:00

happie one month old dearie~ =D

2009-11-17T13:32:00.001+08:00

everything done simple simple.
cakes/eggs to be given out.
happy happy all happy! =)

maybe dat's why people move out?

2009-11-16T01:35:00.005+08:00

i used to tink a family should stay together and live together.
now i finally realise why a couple moves out when they haf their own family.

it's like both hubby and mi wan to be respectful towards his mother.

his mother (We both feel she nids someone to tok to) keeps coming in to tok to us...even at 2am when im tryin to sleep. I haf to stop watching my tvb to hear her repeated stories and hubby can continue to play games. so i told hubby to share the listening ear so i can do my own things as well den he say she always come in when he doing game things so i mentioned i oso wan to watch my serials. den he said wad to do, she's his mother so he cannot do anything about it.

and she keeps repeating that we should feed baby with some herbal powder to make her sleep soundly. everyday she repeat the same story at least once about so in so say the powder is good and she bought it already.

den hubby wans to carry baby in a way she carries baby but she stops him becoz she says he is inexperienced. hubby can learn rite? she oso learnt how to carry hubby when he was a baby oso.

best is this afternoon, she was preparing to go out shopping and baby was sleeping. she purposely woke baby up to let baby see her and play with her before she go out. i know she dotes on baby but shes gonna come home after shopping wad...nid to purposely wake baby up b4 she go out? and when baby sleeping, she will come into the room and tok very loudly then baby will stir and she will keep putting her finger to baby's lips and tap tap tap tap tap tap tap. i rem when i was a kid, when people tap my lips to make mi smile, i get very very irritated. i dono if baby enjoys the gesture.

it's like different people different taste and preference for food.

taking care of a baby oso same logic. everyone diff thoughts and actions.

towards my OWN mother, i can make my stand very clear and my mother will be angry yet she will understand and i know she still loves mi. but towards HUBBY'S mother, it is impossible for her to continue to like mi if i keep going against her wishes. and Hubby is really very very filial and will not make his stand to her as well. i tink altho i "fight" wif my own mother more often, no matter how we argue, my mother still loves mi.

i been having many replies from all of u that i should make my stand.
to do that, it means making both my husband and my MIL unhappy. ending up, dey both will hate mi. if tryin to explain my stand and the logic behind it, it will end up with a "u like lor, can already" (in mandarin) den unhappy face. then my poor hubby sandwiched in the middle. coz he oso thinks since she brought both kids up means she cannot be wrong so let it be lor. so im not thinking about it anymore.

they stopped stressing mi on drinkin alcohol already after hubby flared up becoz i was already thinking of suicide from all the pressure to do things i dunwan to do. My gynae called it a slight depression and told mi dun worry too much.

it all stems from not being able to say NO to things i dunwan to do and after saying NO, all the unhappiness that will form, making everyone involved disturbed.

no wonder people move out to stay on their own. to have their private time and space.

now i finally understand. :(

like i say and i say it again, i really dun nid anyone else to tell mi i should do this...i should do that...wad i nid is ENCOURAGEMENT AND ASSURING WORDS. <<<<<< i tink dis is uber hard for anyone to do. becoz everyone got their own opinions and will wan to voice them out regardless if it has been repeated or i am already stressed by it. I ONLY WAN TO HEAR THINGS LIKE...
it will be alright.
dun worry.
yr hubby loves u.
I ONLY NID THESE KIND OF WORDS TO KEEP MI GOING. y so difficult?

...

2009-11-14T01:02:00.004+08:00

speechless.
today i finally asked if he could dun play hon.
i said he was doin well in wow n watching youtube or tv and could spend time toking to his family, includin mi.
i oso mentioned every tues we used to do things together instead of him juz playing hon.
he kept quiet and smiled so i thought he would quit hon and juz focus on wow.
alas,
now hes playing hon again.
and im hearing familiar terms like fuck, diu, etcetc from his teammates.
sigh.
i will not ask or tok about this subject to him again.
dunwan to lose a second time.
i dun even dare to tok to him when he plays hon.
i fear being shouted at if he "dies"
i fear being ignored.
i rather not talk.
i tok to my soft toys! yay~

if you're a gamer...when u gif birth, do it secretly. do NOT announce it to the gaming world.

2009-11-12T00:20:00.002+08:00

firstly, im angry not becoz of not getting a loot in game today.
secondly, i dono if any of the wow gamers actually read my blog.
thirdly, i nid to rant and let women know that we are still SEEN in "that" manner.

wad happened was...
i haf always gone to wow 25 men raids..only the week i gave birth, i didnt go for one day. there are many other guys who raided and looted things and did not turn up for no reason. Yet, they still get to loot things but i dont even get to roll on the item ever since i gave birth. why?

my loot priority after giving birth is zero.

becoz i may not be able to turn up for future raids.

but so far, haf i mizzed any raid? so juz becoz its out in the open that i gave birth, honest about it, i become NOT appreciated in game anymore?

the fact making mi more mad is.

hubby can continue to raid and play 24hours/7days and even tho everyone in game knows he is a daddy now, they dont even think he will be busy and cannot come raid? BUT I WILL BE THE BUSY ONE?????? so the women is always the one who takes care of the baby...while the guy can just ignore and continue to play??????

i really dun understand the mentality of the people these days...still so bias against women and their roles. :((((((((((

i rather it be the other way round. Hubby stop playin games and take care of mi and baby. and I be the one with the freedom and still be loved and appreciated by friends and family.

i dono if u all get what i mean a not.
zzz

FEELING SO FARKING UNAPPRECIATED FOR ALL THAT I HAF DONE AND BEEN DOING! FARK IT.

really tryin not to be upset.

2009-11-11T00:28:00.005+08:00

i really dono wtf intro hon to hubby.
when hes in that game...
more than half the time he is mad at either stupid teammates or dono wth wrong with the game.
at least with wow, he smiles.
and when hes in hon..u cannot even tok to him.
i tried tokin to him becoz we havent toked for the past few hours since wow server down and he began to hon...i was saying y he wanna play a game that makes him angry more than happy.
den he tok to mi.
then he got mad saying he died from toking to mi.
==;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
so i apologised for toking to him.

and i remembered when rx was born, he said he could gif up all the games and they dun matter anymore. but still it affects his mood. he said i could haf chosen a better time to tok to him.

i really dunwan to tok to him anymore. theres no point. i asked him before he was playing hon, when wow server down, we used to do things together instead.

i miss those times when we watched vcds together when wow server down.
i used to look forward to tues when wow server down.
we used to have those few hours together when wow server down.
now wow server down, im fighting time with hon.
i dono la..
maybe im too fat and ugly now so he doesnt wan to bother with mi anymore.

i really hate hon.
and whoever that intro hon to him, i hate u too.

remember the previous hiccups entry? see the live one man!

2009-11-11T00:26:00.001+08:00

so funny! =D

slept at 6am last nite...

2009-11-10T23:46:00.001+08:00

as hubby is playin hon now, i took naps today already so am prepared to "entertain" thru the night!
ate french fries today. wahahahahaha =x shhh =x

2009-11-10T04:22:00.001+08:00

and im still awake!
now hungry even..
ordered macs..
hope can secretly take the macs delivery without waking anyone up.
><

fed up.

2009-11-10T02:43:00.005+08:00

really envy people who can sleep withing seconds and go into deep sleep and wont wake up to any noise.
zzz
almost 3am now and im so mad awake.
was falling asleep at 1am intially...
as usual baby sleeping outside with confinementlady (CL).

hospital and books say babies cannot be over stimulated from evening onwards else they cannot sleep at night. think its true? i notice rx wide awake from 8pm onwards and its also the time when everybody in the house is most active. plus this family really sleeps late. and i mean into the wee hours. my mil will carry her ard the house at night oso. i dono if all these affect rx's sleeping at night habit. she from 10pm will eyes open bigbig and refuse to sleep. the CL by 10pm (at other peoples house already go sleep already and she complained to mi before that my mil sleep at 2-3am and will carry rx until she go sleep. but wad my CL expect mi to do? go tok to my mil about it meh? my mil oso is dote on rx so wan to spend time with her at night wad. zzz)

anyway...just now was....again baby wide awake but CL falling asleep so MIL took baby to our room. hubby said he sleeping late so he will take care of baby. i was preparing to sleep already at 1+am. (if i had known baby coming in at night, i would haf taken a nap earlier lor. but whole day i was outside trying to buy pads...make big my weddinband...buy medicine etcetc) then my mil sit on the bed and started to chat with mi when i already cannot focus. den when she finally go out of the room, hubby was already on headphones pvping or dono doing what in wow. then baby started to wake up and whine and i was the one who needed to take care of her. so i asked hubby didnt he say he would take care then he said he didnt know i wanted to sleep. G_G den what for i hire a CL, pay 2k for mi to not get enough rest then how i recover?

den i found out baby crying becoz she wan to drink milk. then my MIL say dun wake CL up coz CL very sleepy, let rx tolerate hunger a bit more...drag the feeding time longer. but we dun even know when was the last time she was fed. ==; and i cannot argue back juz nod my head while seeing rx trashing her head about with her mouth open, trying to find her milk. and hubby continue to wow.

it's like...every woman wans to own the kitchen with their own way of handling things?
i see it in this as well.
the CL believes in letting baby sleep at 10+pm
but at 10+pm, everyone still playing with baby
the CL feeds every 2 hours but lesser milk
my mil wants longer hours 3 hours but feed more milk saying feed at 2 hours will suffer indigestion.
zzz
den the CL dunwan to tell my mil.
my mil oso dunwan to tell my CL.
both come and tell mi.
while i see my baby hungry.
i log into the game to update hubby on wads going on becoz it's rude for mi to go tok to either party.
hubby merely smile smile.

wah really fed up.

den my mil manage to coax hungry rx to sleep again for another 30mins. while i went to the other side of the bed and tried to sleep. but obviously, i cannot sleep already. den when rx woke up again, she was trashing her head even more wildly than juz now, mouth opening finding the milk. then hubby finally got up from his seat and told my mil to wake the CL up to make milk for rx.

soon after, rx fed and is sound asleep.

hubby playa bit more wow and went to bed, in deep sleep within seconds.

now left mi...wide awake and pissed off.

really dono wtf if with people with all diff ideas but dunwan to tok it out and seek one another's opinion.

my mil keep telling mi she wanna buy some "san" (herbal powder thingy) from eu yan sang to let rx eat so she can sleep better at night. but doesnt she realise its becoz of the over-playing done every night? i dono la...the powder thingy oso dono safe a not. i heard the powder thingy was banned in 2006 becoz of some poisoning cases. was in the news when i surfed the web to find out more info about the powder. but i cannot reject my mil wad...i told hubby about it...but hubby dono tinkin wad oso la...alot of things on his mind like pending pending liddat.

i wan to sleep...
give mi sleeping pills.

still a tired mama..zzz

2009-11-09T22:22:00.002+08:00

check out the unkempt and cannotwash kind of hair.
look at the covered up pyjamas i haf to wear.
look at how pissed off i am with the confinement rules.

above it all,
check out the cutesey little girlgirl dat brings a smile to my face. =)

c o n f i n e m e n t

2009-11-08T22:07:00.004+08:00

1 word - sucks
my gynae was tellin mi usually her patients that haf baby blues is due to lack of help at home but mine was due to too much help/advise. zzz

its really tough to be sandwiched between the doc's instructions and the advice from the family.

the last straw came when the doctor told mi.
"seem to be going against my wishes. if anything happens to you, blame them."
i was telling my doc about all the confinement food that i had to take that was causing mi to haf UTI and "heaty".

i really really dislike to go against the wishes of the family, i can say NO to my mother..but its so hard to say no to my MIL and FIL and the other relatives that come and keep saying no alcohol means haf backache when u old.

den wad about all the breast feeding mothers? all suffer from backache when old issit? really dun make sense.

i dunwan to hurt the feelings of the family.
but i really wan to get well oso.
dis is causing the depression in mi.
:(
i wan my life back.
i know they care but they are not mi. :(
im feeling more miserable with more DO THIS DO THAT thingy when im told not to listen to them.

addin to that, u haf people coming here to visit juz to tell u how fat u became.
zzz

sigh.

honestly, the only person i wan to talk to mi and care for mi is Hubby. i really dun nid anyone else to add to the "noise" that my feeble mentality cannot take currently. with all the "noise", i dun even haf appetite to eat my meals. i prefer the peace and quiet so i can think and be calm.

wan drink nehneh!

2009-11-02T15:40:00.002+08:00

using the brand similac.
using the brand drypers as diapers.
using johnson&johnson toptotoe wash for bath.
using j&j bedtime lotion for moisturizer.
using pureen as nappy rash cream.
using NUK brand as nee duu. lol

bok u bok u!!~

2009-10-31T10:42:00.000+08:00

she juz wans to bok people..lolx :D

=D

2009-10-29T12:32:00.002+08:00

ps: de voice in the bg is CL's. =X

actually what i nid most now is...

2009-10-28T16:15:00.002+08:00

encoraging and supportive words...
like..
u will b fine~
dun worry~
i will be here for u~
things will b alright~
relax~
cheer up~

what im hearing all the time is...
DO THIS!!!!!!!!
DO THAT!!!!!!!!
if not "all the bad things come out" just to scare mi.
DO THIS!!!!!!!!
DO THAT!!!!!!!!
DONT B LIKE THIS!!!!!!!
DONT B LIKE THAT!!!!!!!

people these days dono how to comfort and soothe already?
how strong can i possibly get?
help...

lonely?

2009-10-28T12:37:00.003+08:00

every pregnancy is different, every situation is also different, every human's behaviour is also different. To live together in harmony, everyone has to give and take.

Initially i thought having a pregnancy during the farkedup virus is the worse that can happen. Thinking back, now i realise the worse part of having a baby is about the "After birth" things that happen.

I can go thru the horrible terrible labour pains again for another baby.
I can also face another pregnancy during a storm.
but..
i dun think my sanity can take the things that happen after birth another time again. or would i already be prepared for things that would come and block them off?

when i was preggy, NOONE bothered about hygiene ard mi, didnt even care about what food i ate, didnt even ask about the injections/pills i had to take to maintain the pregnancy. While i everyday telling my baby and myself to be strong and protected her while she was inside my tummy. everything i did, i told her, we relied on each other. we were there for each other. her every kick every punch told mi that she will always be strong for mi. Thank God the pregnancy went well until she was delivered. All the endless worries and tears were worth it.

now that she's born, i dun even get to hold her even once a day? becoz once i do, there will be comments about how to hold her correctly, must take care of her position, blablabla. all these "CARE" that did not appear when i was preggy and fighting alone. She is my baby. Would i do things to make her feel uncomfortable??? i know these people mean well, and they obviously are more experienced with babies but i watch and learn too? im not like some idiot that dono how to learn? HELLO IM THE MOTHER?

watching the CL giving her wtf reddatesdrink instead of milk. i was against it but NOBODY supported my stand becoz she is more experienced. I was oso given alot of reddatedrink, alot of alcohol, ginger...until i became heaty...i had to see a chinese sinseh yesterday for it. My chinese sinseh has been seeing mi since a kid so i trust him alot. He's about 50+ 60+, with a very grandfatherly manner that can calm u down. I asked him about reddatedrink for baby. He said NO. That was when Hubby believed then quickly call home to tell MIL to stop CL from giving her more reddatedrink. My sinseh says everybody's body made up is different. some people can take the heat, some people cannot. for mi, i cannot take the heat so i became heaty. From all the things i told my sinseh the CL did for mi, he said if onli i brought my CL along, he will scold her. and he guessed correctly that the CL is malaysian becoz they haf their own ways of doing things suitable for another area of babies but not sg babies. he gave mi other advise. i told him i was going mad already...he say dun be mad. lol

why was i going mad?
the hospital too pushy on bf. imagine having more than 10 people manhandling your breasts? and u cannot do anything about it? i felt so violated but felt nvm all for baby its fine. they keep telling u there will be enough milk. squeeze out 2-3 drips and tell u thats enough. ==;;; then one nurse accidentally say out...not enough they go in nursery and bottlefeed them with formula milk. ==;;; when we went to their course, they said...do not use bottle..will confuse with tit. zzz den next day baby come back to mi...she refuse to suckle already, keep giving mi the bottle sucking look instead.
it's like a western vs chinese thing.
i was going mad from all the advises..tho i know they mean well but can they imagine the confusion and stress im under and gimme a break?
i lost blood during delivery u know?
im having pain and on painkillers becoz of the episitomy u know?
i havent slept for like 24 hours...
yet visitors upon visitors and all expecting u to listen to wad they haf to say when i totally cannot focus. was almost nervous breakdown already. stressed by hospital to BF...seeing baby crying away coz hungry...people demanding my attention when all i wan was to sleep when i can since haf to BF every 2-3 hours. means sleep halfway oso nid to wake up, + im a light sleeper. i wake at every sound and take another 30mins before going back to sleep. so i was very very tired.
den think come back home already will haf some peace...
scali still cannot rest.
first time try to BF at home, u have 4 - 5 pairs of eyes watching u, your breasts, even help u to push your breast into position. i mean i did alot of times in hospital already, everyone including doc said the positioning is CORRECT. and im not used to my boobs being handled by other people or even looked at. ==;;;;;;;;; so of course i felt embaressed but they took it as i was panicky on feeding baby and took her away from mi to sayang her coz she kept crying. She was crying becoz she not getting milk! in the end, hubby and mi decided gif her formula milk. shes very happy with it. However, becoz baby WAS in the same room as mi, 3 people + baby cramped in one room, i hardly slept again. they tok and tok to each other while carrying baby, passing her from one person to the other. From the day i stopped BF, i hardly could hold her once a day. why? they say DUN HOLD HER WHEN SHES SLEEPING! let her sleep on her own else bad habit! den u next time busy nid to keep holding. HOLD HER WHEN SHE AWAKE! but everytime she awake, everyone else snatches to hold her but mi...movement problem...haf to sit on a stupid tyre...no chance to fight the queue. zzz
i wan to hold her too and say mummy is here...
but when she falling asleep, i went to her and coz they say DO NOT CARRY, i said to her...mummy is here...nitenite..blablabla and my CL stopped mi from toking to her. ==;;; saying wil become habit that she nid people to tok to then can sleep. WAH I WAS SO MAD but wad to do...cannot argue back later at night...anyhow feed my bb how? zzz
so i cannot carry...cannot tok...
then i was asked to eat fish.
anyone that knows mi know i very scared of eating fish. and i nid to focus when eating fish. yet everytime i eating fish, people will gather at the table where i eat to tok tok tok about this and that...and im supposed to listen to them. best is when they keep telling mi EAT FISH EAT FISH. im already eating wad! juz slowly eating. day1 okay passed...day2....i broke down already. why? baby was crying...everyone went to comfort her...the moment i get up from the dinning table..im told to SIT DOWN AND EAT YOUR FISH! ..............................................
stress from eating fish, when i onli wan to comfort my bb too.
and they keep going on and on....just sit and eat your fish. we take care of bb for u.
then bb comtinue to cry.
that went on and on until i could not take it and i started to cry.
then they shouted at mi
CANNOT CRY DURING CONFINEMENT.
............................................................................
hubby asked wads wrong..i said i miss baby too, i oso wanna hold her but everyone onli wan mi eat wad stupid fish. fish later eat will spoil issit? im the mother of my baby u know? then finally my baby i can carry. she stopped crying. :) i stopped crying too.
3rd day..they stopped giving mi fish. THANK GOODNESS!
but by then i was so emotionally drained...
CL decided to go sleep in the hall with baby in one cosy corner.
so i finally haf time to rest and blog a bit.
and now im down with overheating...blowing out all the yellowmucus...i oso dun dare go near baby now.
western tells u...
YOU CAN BATHE! YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING! YOU NID TO WEAR COMFY CLOTHES!
chinese tells u...
YOU CANNOT BATHE! ( i havent bathed till now...) YOU CANNOT EAT ALOT OF THINGS! MUST EAT REDDATES/ALCOHOL/GINGER! YOU HAVE TO WRAP YOURSELF WITH JACKET/SOCKS/PANTS. you know how much i been sweating??????? i wake up 1 hour everytime i sleep from all the drench in sweat?????? pillow wet, bedsheet wet. how to get well liddat? even my wound oso feeling hot and sweaty. zzz
if im getting carried away in my blog here...
becoz all these still happening...
docs saying u dun heed their advise.
family and CL saying they are right..docs wrong.
i feel like i am not in control with my life anymore.
everything has been decided for mi and im in the wrong if i dun listen to any side.
this is really driving mi mad.
sandwiched, caught in between, feeling guilty coz dunwan to upset these people.
i end up crying more than when i was preggy.
at least i had RX inside mi to tok to and comfort.
here im alone.
down with a stupid cold.
i dono wad else to rant anymore...
suddenly very tired again.
hubby has been very patient and supportive with mi. but i know he nids to protect baby as well coz CL has her own thoughts on taking care of baby. when docs say use sterilized cotton to clean her..she use those cheap cotton we use to remove make up. nurse say use washcloth to clean mouth, she put in 3 earcleaning kind of cotton buds.
SIGH. and when u try to stop her or tell her to do what is told, she doesnt seem happy and my MIL will tell mi and hubby dun be rude to the CL else later at night dono wad she do. SIGH...we pay these people so much money to be upset by them.
Docs...
PDs...
CL...
all we pay them to "suffer" from their forceful way of "teachings"
i dono if u guys understand wad im going thru.
but thanks for listening.

Finally my libra baby is here! :D

2009-10-27T04:46:00.005+08:00

so many things to blog and share..

Firstly~
Gynae said she wont be due till say 1st Nov or beyond. Yet my water bag burst at like 3+am on 21st Oct. Only felt pressure at tummy coz was doing last min packing and organizing of room, yes at sleeping hours. lol. maybe i overdid it or maybe RX decided to come out as a libra becoz i kept wanting a libra baby not a scorpio and haf been persuading her to come out if shes ready. haa~ she really so ting hua! :D
Best was all my cravings were done earlier in the day, seoul garden was it. And hubby even drove us back to see Sugar and my mother as if we know we wont be seeing Sugar for awhile. And coincidentally, both my mother and my MIL patted my tummy on the same day too.

Next~
After my water bag broke, it was like i was standing in a pool of water. No pain but i was pretty excited. Hubby was calm and told mi dun panic. I changed into a more comfy dress and he took the important documents for admission. He drove mi to TMC, went into labour ward. I took "pepper" my soft toy girl schnauzer with mi for courage. =X

Then~
I was pretty relaxed and walking ard, altho leaking water at the same time, in the labour ward. The contractions were coming but they were very bearable and i juz needed to breathe slowly as they pass to feel better. Hubby did the admission, went to get magazines and sat beside mi. Was den given an injection of liquid into the bs to clear bowels. zzz. was horrible to feel something foreign in the bs. zzz. I told the senior nurse who was checking on mi about my panic attks and gastric probs. Due to that, she said my gynae recommended only the 1st and 3rd pain relief choices, skipping the 2nd.

1st choice: gas mask. will make u "high" but wont relief much pain. just that u feel too "high" to react.

2nd choice: injection to butt that will take away 50% of pain.

3rd choice: epidural, that will block/numb pain from below the waist.

I thought my pain tolerance level was okay since the contractions i was experiencing then was bearable. so i planned not to take any pain relief. i was sooooooooooooooo wrong. ><;;;

Next~
From 3+am to 8+am, nurse came to check and i was only 1cm dilated. G_G no wonder no pain. Then she said...no pain no gain..haf to be in pain then will deliver faster. I didnt know wad she was toking about yet. Then my gynae decided to gif mi a drip with medication that will cause more contractions. I was pushed to delivery ward to get the drip. Usually, the cervix dilates 1cm per hour. Hence for first time mothers, it takes up to 16 hours for the cervix to open till 10cm. Only when it is 10cm, den they will ask u to start pushing. The nurse told hubby that he has a long time to wait...so we were all prepared to wait until night...budden RX had her own mind..
at about 10+am, the pain suddenly became much worse. It wasnt the usual braxtonhicks anymore. It became a sharp, insistant, stabbing, tearing pain inside of me. That feeling cannot be described. I started yelling at every contraction and my poor pepper was squeezed by mi until she flatflat. zzz so i asked for pain relief.
The gas mask was horrible. SMELLY. the "high" feeling was stupid as well. i see things blurblur one. So i stopped the mask and wanted to bear with the pain. HOWEVER, it was getting worse...the intensity of the pain. So i asked for epidural. It was den administered to mi.
Initially it was fine. The numbness slowly eased the pain. The pain was again bearable like how it started in the labour ward. But den suddenly again at near lunchtime, altho my left side seems numb, the right side of my cervix was like tearing open again. omg that feeling...that feeling...it was so painful. I started to cry, thinkin something went wrong wif the epidural. The nurses came, adjusted higher dosage but i was still suffering with pain and it was only getting progressively worse. Hubby was then out with Tim bro for lunch and he came back in time to comfort me crying. He was shocked that the pain sud came back 100 times more intensed than before even with pain relief.

Den~
Nurse did everything she could, moving mi from one side to the other for the medication to flow and i was already shivering from the side effects of increased epidural medi. She decided to check on my dilation. it was 8cm dilated and would be 10cm soon. OMG...no wonder so painful. too short period of time for such a sudden increase in dilation. ~_~ She hurriedly got my gynae in, prepared mi for delivery.

Next~
while waiting for the last 2cm to open, pepper no longer was good enough to squeeze, i started to squeeze hubby's hand while he tried his best to knead at my back coz honestly massaging the back/waist area during a contraction really helps the pain. There was a monitor with numbers and he kept his eyes on the numbers. once the numbers start to rise, means the contraction was coming and he would prepare his hand to be squeezed. LOL. The number goes down when the contraction subsides.

Den~
10cm already.
all i recall was my gynae laying out all the scissors like thingys and then i stopped looking towards her direction. I did not want any episitomy but i guess it did not matter then. Within 10 contractions, total about 20-30pushes, RX was born. Total only about 20mins. Hubby had to help push my back forward and lift up my piggy leg during the process. He said his own back nearly broke with the impact. haha. RX finally came out!!!!!!~~ I saw RX with the corner of my eye, the cord attached to mi still, listened to her cries. but i was scared of blood else later i panic attack again so i continued to look aside. Then i felt tugging and felt the placenta being delivered. Gynae asked if i wanted to see it, i said NO. omg..that's even worse. lol =X

Next~
Hubby went out with RX and nurse to her her weight taken and wrapped up.
I was getting stiched up below. the stitching took longer than the pushing. sigh!
Then RX was brought to mi to suckle. I was so amazed that I actually gave birth to her already. Den RX was taken for cleaning and I was pushed to single bedded room to rest.
Hubby went with mi.

Finally~
RX came to us for breastfeeding soon after. It was such an amazing and bonding time between her and myself. And all the pain was worth it. :)) Hubby had a proud father look.

~ end of labour story ~

atill very tired~

2009-10-27T00:56:00.001+08:00

blog when i got energy..so much to share..lol~

zzz

2009-10-20T16:21:00.002+08:00

was bored until decided to take some measurements of myself.
USED to be 33 24 34
NOW im like 36 40 40
Wtf...40_40?
T.T
got a longgggggggggggg way to get back original figure.
z_z

rant rant rant...

2009-10-20T14:15:00.002+08:00

possibly..
it was juz an excuse that the germs outside is preventing mi from going out to walkwalk.
today somehow i realised it could juz really be an excuse.
the main reason to sticking at home for so many many months is becoz hubby doesnt wan to go out. no reason to. nothing to buy, go out for what.
and he's so busy with pvp..on 2-3 characters when he intially only wanted to focus on one.
and i cannot go out alone. now at 38 weeks that's worse.
im growing fat sitting around, sleep eat, no walks.
im bored, anyhow thinking, nothing new to see or shop.
baby enjoying the comfort in my tummy and dono when she wanna come out.
at dis stage now,
i juz wanna equip myself with a mask and go out myself, take a breather.
i do nid a companion.
hopefully baby when bigger would be my companion to go out with. :)
he promised to bring mi seoul garden today since wow servers going down.
however suddenly last min got pvp and probably we'll end up at seoul garden near 9pm.
i dono when is their last buffet serving.
usually i can sit there for 3 hours, slowly enjoying cooking, eating.
i feel like its gonna be a rush tonight that im dreading the trip.
hate sharing companions.
i asked hubby if there wasnt mi, and he doesnt nid to work, wad will he be doing in the afternoons?
he made it sound like hes more "pro" than mi by saying, "my tolerance level higher than yours." (coz i get bored more easily than him) he might as well just tell mi he can spend the whole day at the computer besides sleeping and eating.
or maybe i am the boring companion that he doesnt like to go out with.

im destined to be lonely.

going a bit haywire..

2009-10-17T01:51:00.002+08:00

doc tan told mi today that baby is 3.1kg by now but she's not engaged enough yet for delivery.
sigh.
she said she would probably be a full term baby at 40weeks.
sigh.
means another 2 more weeks of a heavy balloon in front of mi.
its getting increasingly difficult to sleep and move around with all the weight and big baby movements that are so cramped inside of mi.
going slightly mad already...
feels like 4eva..
i was a premie. born at 7mths, weighing only 1.8kg.
hubby was born weighing 2.9kg.
rx already weighs more than us now. imagine at 40weeks when shes even bigger.
how am i going to push her out man...><;;; really seems so daunting.
my mother said it was so easy giving birth to mi coz i was so tiny.
hubby's mother had to only go thru with afterpains from csect and she was under GA so she didnt feel labour pains.
i was reading forums and other comments on pregnancy over the due dates.
said natural ways of inducing labour was to haf ALOT of sex, nipple simulation, walking, eating spicy food, etc etc.
i really dun wish to haf medication induction.
:(
the braxtonhicks are coming like quite often this few days. im getting more and more tired yet restless too.
im going quite mad.
i am totally like juz sitting ard and waitin for things to happen.
time is crawling...
i really wan to see healthy safe rx soon.

defend la diu

2009-10-14T22:47:00.002+08:00

a relative kindly bought back some gifts from overseas and gave them to my MIL.
she came back with them just now...
worse is there is this big big piece of woollen fabric blanket like thingy. can cover half of my queensizebed.
she say gif baby to wrap in.
i bet even if we wrap hubby in it, he will sneeze his nose off becoz of so much woollen frays.
i rarely say no to her requests becoz its not nice to.
but this time i said no.
and i explained why.
it was too big, too warm and the woollen frays was just too much for allergic.
but she insisted that it was warm and big enough, just wash it can already.
it is really VERY big...
and hubby didnt even try to defend mi.
i typed to him in game to tell her dun use for baby.
he said he didnt hear anything even if it was in the same room and she was sitting beside him and mi.
i dono la...
its MY baby.
i dun carry her for the farking 10 months for some Free gift from someone that is totally not suitable for a baby.
the relative oso took back a super big sunflower like thing...with seeds all still stuck with the flowerpetals. saying the seeds are for owen to eat.
my MIL took it back la...but she can tell us this seed altho look same as wad their parrot is eating, she wont dare to feed it to him becoz it doesnt come in the same shape.
zzz

amusing

2009-10-14T02:04:00.002+08:00

found these 2 quotes rather amusing.
"男人可以花很多钱买需要的东西但女人可以花那一半的钱买不需要的东西."
a man can spend alot of money to buy something he really needs but a woman can spend half that same amount to buy something she dun need.

"女人一直担心着将来直到遇到老公. 男人一直不担心将来直到遇到老婆."
a woman worries about her future until she meets her husband but a man doesnt have worries about his future until he meets his wife.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA =X

wahahaha hot fudge sundae

2009-10-10T03:21:00.002+08:00

ding dong ding dong~
ate the char kuay teow at queenstown ulu hawker centre...
hubby said the standard dropped since the last time we ate was almost 4 years ago.
then ding dong ding dong again~
when icecream craving done at macdonals! everyone supported the hot fudge sundae so that was what i ate! hahahaha ty for driving us there timmy bro~ xD

toktoktok and end up 2+am then reach home. been so long since stay outside so late. haa~ so fun ^^

but today they see mi...tink the weight gained is pretty obvious now already. zzz

chao jamesyboi called mi fatty.
z_z
timmybro poked my chubby arm!!
z_z
bro wee was amazed at my chubby legs!!!
z_z

ARHGHGHGHGHHGHGGHGHGGGGGHGHGHGHGGHHGHGHGHH

poor polar bear left @ ikea

2009-10-08T19:39:00.002+08:00

went to ikea at queenstown area for swedish meatballs.
saw this beigewhite polarbear among the others that had such a cute face at the childrens section beside the ikea eating place.
really wanted to get it but hubby was like no.
i whined but no.
i sulked but no.
i pouted and still no.
zzz
rarely do shopping for anything at all but i <3 soft toys!
the polarbear is so huggable...
it was $20ish i tink so was within my budget anyway.
but noooooooooo was hubby's reply.
:(
he probably wont be reading this blog as well!
i even chose the cutest looking among them all, looked so manly that particular bear.
but had to put it back.
usually when this happens way back, i would go back myself the next day to buy it.
BUT!!!!!!!!
now i cannot travel anywhere without hubby's eyes on mi! so cannot even secretly go buy.
SAD SAD SAD SAD SAD SAD!
poor polar bear...

sleepy...fatique sets in...36 weeks+ of pregnancy~

2009-10-04T16:48:00.003+08:00

goin to welcome virvir to sg since ozzy cannot turn up. hubby so excited..im so sleepy. lolx

shes 2.5kg during last check up. im at 66kg now. was taught how to massage the boobs to encourage milk flow. it was oso amazing to see the so called "golden liquid" after the massage. was painful tho the massage. zzz
next appt in a weeks time.
expect rx to arrive anytime from next week onwards till end of october/start of november. haha
finally feeling the excitement! :D

hiccups~

2009-10-02T23:14:00.001+08:00

so funny~ can see my tummy bobbling away with RX's hiccups and some of her movements.
<3
Hubby finds it so amusing as well. =)

why why why?

2009-10-01T02:44:00.002+08:00

i dono if its becoz we're moving back hubbys house soon...
that shes making a rackus out of everything possible.
even the most mediocre thing like tissue paper???
she got mad becoz we used too much tissue paper (didnt know she kept all the tissue boxes that we threw away just to show us how much we use in a month.)
i already buy the cheapest kinds to use here...
$3.95 for 10 boxes, 200 sheets per box those kind.
but still she not happy.
then i haf to justify like a police/lawyer fighting in court.

the following are the reasons why we using tissue so much more this few months.
1) i been sweating really a lot man...under the boobs, like stick to the tummy, all the sweat...nid to wipe wad.
2) i got problem with backache and clumsy, walking all the way to the dark bathroom behind to pee so i use a potty and oso nid to wipe with tissue after every pee wad..which is like waking up 1 - 2 hours at night from sleep just to empty the bladder. zzz think i not tired ah? everynight broken sleep.
3) the haze and air con making hubby's nose more sneezy and oso use a lot of tissue.

wads so wrong man?

sony finally smsed again!

2009-09-30T14:10:00.001+08:00

saying the lappy is ready for collection.
havent gone to collect it but so excited already!
really hope it is fixed.
z_z

sony...

2009-09-28T02:02:00.002+08:00

remember hubby's blog entry about "FARK THE SONY LAPTOP" blablablablablabla?
sigh.
my white colour sony vaio's lcd having problems. u see double images and flickering lights.
best is when we sent it for servicing coz i only got it like in JULY???!!! at JP sony gallaria, they told us we would get it back after 5-7 days but the tech people will call us to ask if they should proceed with repairs when they found out wad was faulty.
we waited...
and waited...
7 days...no call.
and today hubby suddenly got one sms from dono whose mobile saying the lcd is being shipped over and they do not know when they will receive it and will contact hubby again when they have the lcd.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
i mean....haf a decency to call?
and...
u dun even know the shipment details???
without the laptop, i cant go back to hubby's place. im currently using my own desktop at my house hence the lately blog entries without photos coz no bluetooth to the desktop.
and i nid to go back hubby's place soon.
RX coming anytime now...
and her bedsheets/pillowcases/wad not things are still not ready yet. haf to go back and ensure a comfortable bed for her.

sony...
so pretty...
but so...
undependable.

hubby is using my HP laptop and its working so well for him no matter how he abuses it.

and now she is painting her nails...????? at 2.40am??????

2009-09-27T02:40:00.003+08:00

....
she asked mi this morning if the 3 bottles of nail varnish still can be used.
i told her they are at least 6+ years old and are almost dried up. you can even see the discolouration in the polish. i remember i dumped them away early this year when i was repacking things. didnt know she kept them until now.

and now i bring my plate out to wash..
i smell the strong nail polish smell.
i got keen sense of smell.
i know wads happening even if i dun see her doing it.
the whole hall is with the smell.
the whole kitchen oso with the smell.

why so strong?

she never open windows or doors usually becoz she scared dust fly in. then will waste water to nid to mop and clean.
that day hubby walked into her room's bathroom cabinet to get utensils to fix lights and he asked mi bewilderedly why her room got a strange stale smell. i told him matter of factly that she never airs out her room. her windows never ever opened. and sugar sleeps with her + dog fur smell and toilet smell.
and now she can sleep with all those bad air with nail polish smell.

i really bow down to her.

but the polish smells makes mi wanna puke...i had to wear a mask when i went for manicure to prepare for the wedding banquet, coz really scared of the polish fumes.
now i haf to escape from my own home.
zzz

she really knows how to make mi mad.

2009-09-27T02:16:00.003+08:00

imagine a piece of bread cut into 4s...
meaning one little piece is about 5cm by 5cm.
and she had a big fight with mi over that piece of 5cm by 5cm bread.
why?

i been eating bread and eggs lately for supper before bed.
the wholemeal one which is less carbo and eggs which have almost no carbo.

she usually sleeps at midnight or 1am.

im always left to cook in peace in the kitchen at this time 2+am.

dono why she today watch tv until i got hungry and went to cook. den she came in to see what i was doing. then she talk non stop about some people killing sheep and skinning them to cook dono wad..and dono who go catch porcupphines to eat...and she said it was interesting. i found it quite disturbing and already my movements are quite clumsy + trying not to be distracted over her saddistic topic, i dropped a piece of the 5cm by 5cm bread on the stove.

she oso added that i should not be eating eggs..will get fat. eggs are protein...not carbos. ==;;;

den she realised i was not picking up the bread piece that dropped.
den she said...the stove is clean, she wipe already.
with what?
the dirty kitchen cloth that cleans everypart of the kitchen and she rinses it only with water without soap. she tells mi it is clean. and even if i dun wanna eat that piece of small bread, is it rendered such a big crime that she got so mad over?
she walked away angrily even after i explained to her about her dirty kitchen cloth. probably i should take a picture of it. she doesnt even know how many times i have to rewash the cloths that she uses becoz she dun wash them clean to save water and soap. u can ask hubby...all the pots and pans...have remnants of food stuck somewhere as long as shes the one washing up. until many of them are stained with whoknowswhat stuff. ><
i hid the 5cm by 5cm piece in the dustbin.
the next thing i know...she came out from her room...to find that piece of bread and told mi she will eat it and show mi she wont die from eating it.
then i heard her take it into the room and ask sugar if he wans to eat it...
WTF?
my poor dog....
i really really hope she didnt feed it to him. g_g
i mean wads there to fight over such a small piece of bread?
she owns gardenia?
i see hubby's family, noone argue, noone fight. everything is forgive and compromise. no sad things, everyone happy.
but in this house...
its just noise noise noise.

good service ;)

2009-09-18T10:36:00.002+08:00

http://www.zingrill.com.sg/zingrill/haverstfoods.html
had cravings for seoulgarden for weeks...
found out they haf delivery...
so i ordered some meat to cook at home...
supposed to be delivered today.
i even gave mobile number of hubby so they can call upon arrival.
almost everything was flawless.

however...
as usual sweating like mad at night so i turned on the air con and closed the door.
hubby gana tummy problems and slept from midnight last night till 11am this morning.
i was having insomnia and probably was too sound asleep by 10ish am to hear anything.
the phone rang 8 times..
the doorbell was oso called on....
sugar barked...
but 2 of us continued to sleep.

den...
i was dreaming of making own steamboat...
and in my dream, i was waiting for the delivery from seoulgarden.
and i woke up totally thinking the food is gone. ><

but!!!
zingrill holdings actually did the following...
i called back on one of the missed calls.
they already drove away but they came back and it was raining already.
another person also smsed mi after i called to let mi know the delivery came but left as there wasnt anyone at home, and asked when could they come again.
i smsed back this person and apologised for the inconvenience. yet he smsed in reply, have a great weekend ahead!
omg...
i never felt so guilty for so long.
even ntuc, cold storage and mcdonals dun haf such customer service.
the person who drove back to deliver just ONE packet of garlic chicken meat even could smile at hubby.
gg

i am so grateful for their help.
will cook the stuff later for lunch!
yay~ xD

abit dark but coz it was taken in a hurry...

2009-09-18T02:07:00.002+08:00

was drying hubby's hair at the room door...when he suddenly remarked that Sugar's shadow indeed resembled that of all the "schnauzer toys/items/display shapes". I hurriedly took my hp to capture the shot before he runs off to play.
so funny! xD

maybe that's why im 65kg now...

2009-09-18T02:03:00.002+08:00

with all the fats...on my own.
65kg!!!!!!
found out im the heaviest in the Tan family currently. Even dad and hubby's weight is lesser.

RX is 2.3kg now~ :D
so happy she's growing well in my fat tummy. hahaha~
Dr Tan was laughing when i grumbled i had difficulty swollowing the bigbig calcium pill. So she changed the tablets into liquid form. =X
will see her again in 2 weeks time! ^^

warning warning - pig legs again on the loose!

2009-09-18T02:01:00.001+08:00

z_z
it came back again!!!
*yells*

Happy Birthday My Laogong =D

2009-09-15T01:45:00.001+08:00

nobody said anything about wearing out slippers...

2009-09-07T02:48:00.000+08:00

zzz
it's the 3rd pair of going out slippers that got worn out,
and the 2nd pair of bedroom slippers that became battered and bruised.
><
can u imagine the going out slippers having their base actually all worn out?? the rubber patterns all gone, no longer having friction to prevent slips.
can u imagine the bedroom slippers having high comfy bases but become all flatten and uneven??
crap.
nobody ever mentioned anywhere that preggy people and their weight will overwear their slippers.
zzz

amazing!

2009-09-05T17:40:00.000+08:00

went for usual checkup yesterday at TMC again.
been 4 weeks since we last saw RX in ultrasound.
dis time, we were told we would be lucky if she opens and close her mouth for us to see.
and true enough, she did. it was so amazing!
and as usual, as Dr WKTan pointed out her various movements and parts, only Hubby saw a clear picture. to mi, everything looked round and similar. lolx ~_~ only thing i clearly see and will always remember is that cute little mouth opening and closing. haha
so proud of her already!

think my potatoes craving making mi gain more weight then expected. didnt know potatoes had such high carbos. z_z now haf to stop dis craving of potatoes and maintain a steady weight increase until she's born. i eat like 3 hashbrowns almost everyday with french fries and wad not? ~_~ sigh.

the next appointment has become shorter, in 2 weeks time instead of the usual 4. coz nearing delivery date.

i asked and showed her the stretch marks that was making mi itch. she said all kinds of stretchmark creams are mostly for show, dey dun work at all coz the marks will definitely form. she only said to put moisturizer to soothe itch. i told her about the swollen ankle too, and she reminded mi again to flex it more often. and for the breathlessness while lying down, told mi to prop up 3 pillows. i was like...damn not enough pillows at home already.

really very happy to see RX even if its just an ultrasound. it's like a form of reassurance and telling mi that everything is so real. =)

thanks leanne~

2009-09-04T05:30:00.000+08:00

dis pretty babe sent mi an sms today saying she has sent a present to mi for RX. baby clothes i think.
via registered mail.
honestly i thought she was kidding when this subject was brought up months ago...since shes busy with so many things on her hands.
yet she actually took the time to shop for something and queue at the post office to haf it mailed to mi since i dare not go out.
sigh
things that a friend can do for u.
thanks babe!

while im so looking forward to see my baby soon, i really haf problems falling asleep. and it's getting more and more apparent that no matter how tired i am, i juz cannot fall asleep. i even tried counting sheeps. i wonder if its the anxiety, the excitement or the pressure of so many things cramped up in my chest since the tummy is taking up so much space now. the space for the stomach, lungs, heart and boobs maybe? quite hard to breathe while lying down.

i really mizz going out to play. sigh again.

so ironic.

2009-09-02T20:19:00.001+08:00

only 1+month to go and all our efforts to stay away from crowded areas will come to a close.
yet..
the temptation comes..
and i can't keep saying please dun go out if nessassary.
see this sentence that hubby blogged only yesterday,
"you guys know why i can't run around the place... stupid virus spreading around."
yet today he got an sms from bro and gonna stay out after his class on friday for drinks.
yes i am worried.
can i pretend im not going to worry?
i put a hand sanitizer in his bag but he never uses it anyway.
probably its juz my life not his.
anyway, 1 more month+ of hermit life before i see daylight again.
meanwhile i pray for hubby's safety and hope all the inconsiderate sick people stay away from him.

i will not get myself into this mess ever again. i used to think it was a one person thing. but becoz of this shit, causes inconvenience to hubby and friends. why must this shit happen this year of all times? cant even enjoy pregnancy properly without worrying bout dis and dat. if there wasnt this shit, surely i can cope with it myself and not bother anyone. fark this shit.

FARK THIS SHIT!!!!!!

insomnia.

2009-08-30T03:43:00.000+08:00

z_z
tired
but cannot get to sleep
her cute little sudden karate kicks/punches has grown into big slow gliding movements.
i see the skin on my tummy rise and fall s l o wl y.
and she hiccups too..with rhythmic jerks so it is very recognizable.
my mind thinking about alot of things
"when is labour?"
"is she growing well?"
"will i forget to bring anything to hos?"
"how painful is labour?"
"will hubby be bored or irritated with waiting during beginning of labour that can last to many many hours?"
"who will she look like?"
funny thing..
"will i be hungry during delivery??? then how???"
so many questions and no answers until the day comes.

i feel so heavy...
very hard to find a comfy position to sleep.
heartburn
itchy stretch marks that i cannot see coz its below my belly button

man i love rx.
i really hope i can sleep well so she can nap too.

it's really quite exciting and worrying at the same time about going thru a natural birth.
it's a one in a lifetime experience for a woman and i do wanna go thru it.

so many things to think about...
noone to really talk to to share and discuss oso.
my mother totally cannot rem what happened in her pregnancy with mi. ~_~
hubby...is of course...too manly to understand how a mother to be is feeling. when i told him baby is having hiccups..so poor thing..he looked so astonished.

been sleeping like at 6am - 7am lately...
even when i already am in bed 4-5hours before.
den hungry haf to get up eat something then go back try to sleep.

really isnt as easy as wad u see on television. i wonder how all the women go thru all these. all so brave and strong. *respect* (tho an exception is again my mum who says it was like going to have a dump and i got delivered within an hour at home at 7 months, prematured.) sigh.

my MIL went thru c-sect and hers was under GA so she slept thru everything.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
*happy* but *scared* but *eager* but *panic*
howwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

tiny things like this make mi happy :)

2009-08-28T21:00:00.000+08:00

Hubby was out buying longjohns for us, hence i expected only longjohns.
but he actually took the time and effort to go to another level of jurongpoint to fourleaves and got the cupcakes there for mi.
some of u may feel wad kind of effort is that? should be easy wad.
but it is indeed a big effort hence i really appreciate the gesture.
it's like wad my best friend and i noticed some months ago when we were chatting on msn.
to us, writing a letter and posting it to the person we luv is no effort at all.
but to them, going to walk all the way to the postoffice to post the letter is a tremandous effort.
different people have different "effort scale".
it can also be effortless for them to catch some flying cockroach for us.
but to us, it is so much stress to even run away from the flying roach.
yup yup
hence im really really happy for the cupcakes today.
maybe i wont eat them since its so special.
but..
im always hungry..
hmm.
=)

made peace.

2009-08-27T18:37:00.001+08:00

morning i woke up and decided to tell him all the pain and anguish i had felt 2-3 years ago.
and why everytime his indifference and scoldings will make mi relive those hurtful memories.

i know forgiving and forgetting is the only way to move on.
i know i must keep trusting, having faith, having hope.

he thinks im juz having prenatal blues and tried to comfort mi.

i told him ive been crying since those times not just now. Just that often, i do it in the dark or when hes sound asleep. i know he asked for a chance to be the husband that he promised to be when the incident came to a close that year, i know he has grown up. but a part of mi is still reminding mi that he may revert back to those days.

still probably the grief and words that were exchanged remain scarred in my heart, hence even the most trival matter now will lead mi thinking of the past. i told him to give mi time to recover. much more time. it really is not easy.

i love this man so very very much. i really really wan to look forward to a happy home. i really really wan to give my daughter the home that i never had when i was a child. i do remember the moment i came home after the gender scan that showed female, i went crying into his arms and kept asking him not to leave mi and to take care of us. i remember telling him i haf this phobia of myself and my own parents. i remember how lonely and how strong i had to be to be alone when my mummy went to work. i remember all the tears and envy when i saw happy families going out together. so i was really upset with myself having a girl, and so very worried about the future of this family. he said 神经病 but comforted mi.

he nids to go on a course on reassurance and gesturesoflove.

Happy 10 years 2 months anniversary my Hubby. Mummy xm and baby reia loves you. =)

when u choose..

2009-08-25T19:05:00.002+08:00

choose someone who will cherish you.
choose someone who can see and appreciate all you have done for the house.
choose someone who you can rely on when you are unwell.
choose someone who shows care.
choose someone who knows how to praise instead of scolding.
choose someone who will treasure every little thing done.
choose someone who will pamper you.
choose someone who will tell you that he loves you.

i really hate the pandemic.
i hate to depend on people to buy me food.

and this time, all i asked was for the floor to be mopped which he completed in 7minutes. the last mop was 2 weeks back. how difficult was that? he wanted mi to help him remove chairs la, mats la, obstacles that will block his mop. i told him by evening im already too tired to help but i could do all these by myself when i wasnt pregnant. i said i was useless at work and he was useless at housework. why wait until evening when if morning i can help him, coz only tuesdays wow server goes down and he will be free and wow only goes down in the evening.

i praise him when he does well at work. but when has he ever praised mi for keeping things comfortably at home? yet he got mad at mi when honestly i felt my tone wasnt even the least bit angry or sarcastic. only when he started to bang the chair on the floor and got offended, i decided again that i really need to be independant.

maybe he is used to the 10 years that i been doing things by myself and him doing his own things that he finds it stressful and difficult to help mi in my role during this period of time.

time and time again i swear to myself that i will never ask him to do anything for mi or for the house or for our baby again. time and time again i hope for a miracle to happen that he will suddenly really care about things. time and time again i am disappointed.

lately been having insomnia already. finding it incredibly difficult to fall asleep and can lie there from 2am till 6am before finally sleeping. tummy too big, so heavy. lying at wrong positions will cause rx to kick mi so badly that i have to keep shifting my position. how i wish there is someone to comfort mi, help mi sleep.

but again i say, this is the path i chose. i chose mine and i am determined to walk down this path alone. choose your path carefully.

cold war now. i tried to ask if my tone sounded bad when i said that particular sentence just now. he didnt answer mi. we havent talked since. he's playing HON now while im on my own headphones watching a tv drama on family with tears swimming around my eyes because i really wan a family of my own. i miss my dad. where is he. i need a man in this house to protect me and love me. i hate women. women sucks. explains alot why i prefer sons to daughters rite?

if my mother had a husband who didnt leave us to fend for ourselves,
if i had a brother to take care of the house,
if i haf a man now to dote on mi.
i would be very very happy to have a daughter of my own becoz she will find love, she will find happiness.
but now..
i can only wish and pray that she will not end up like mi.

baked cupcakes again! :D

2009-08-21T21:25:00.000+08:00

i <3 these cupcakes man~!
today's batch is successful too~ phew!!

yumyum~!~! ^______^

some wanna see how big mi grown...
so here is my updated photo~ xD

yupyup as er mei has said..."xm has ballooned!!" lolx

very super clumsy as weeks go by.
keep dropping things on the floor.
spilling drinks.
aim thing throw in bin oso aim wrong.
the brothers asked wad would i mizz most after October. i said i would mizz RX's little kicks and punches. hee~
but i wont mizz the backache...wont mizz the frequent urination...wont mizz the cannot balance...wont mizz the breathlessness...wont mizz the tiredness...wont mizz the tinypimples and stretchmarks on my tummy/waist...wont mizz the pigtrotters...and wont mizz the needtodependonpeopleallthetime.
ha!

clearer view

2009-08-21T13:05:00.000+08:00

haha heard feedback that so many of our friends cannot make out the picture that was posted on Hubby's blog.
so decided to use my crappy paint skills to make things a bit clearer. =P

the big lighter green circle : head
the 2 blue circles : eyes
the 2 yellow rectangles : arms
the big darker green circle : tummy

so can see her clearer now? lol =)

kushinbo~

2009-08-19T17:48:00.002+08:00

Finally the group met up and had fun again! :D
Hubby as usual ate up most of the crabs...
Mi ate all the soups possible...and downed like 3 cups of hot milo. =X

Good news heard~ Congrats Timmy and Ermei on coming photoshoot!~~ Bet it will be so memorable and nice in Taiwan. So excited for u guys! xD

And thank you all for the lovely playmat. I like the barrier aspect, prevent from rolling out. hahaha
so funny. RX will sure haf fun with it in time to come. :P Meanwhile we play with it first. lolx

wahahahhahaha brother wee to the rescue!

2009-08-14T23:27:00.000+08:00

he kai xiao-ed dis webby to mi so i can spend my time watching fav shows comfortably at home! :D
wahahahahhaha happy happy :D

and hubby today finally mopped the floor! clean floor! :D

and no more surprise on tues already...hahaha got found out =X

but nvm!!! he's juz as happy anyway! :D

how not to be upset and pissed?

2009-08-13T08:35:00.001+08:00

same issue, diff scenario only.
eating cup noodles this time instead of instant noodles.
why?
he just went to bed at 8.30am from a whole night/afternoon since yesterday of a new game called "HON".
thanks to the wow players who invited him to go play.
yay.
he was supposed to mop the floor on tues after a repairman left the house.
and it has been over a week, the floor is unmopped, dirty patches here and there.
he was playing. when i asked if he remembered to mop after that guy left, he looked unhappy saying that guy only came for awhile. so i told him nvm do it tomorrow when he less "busy."
weds, i waited and waited. didnt wan to nag. becoz he doesnt know how to use a papermop to sweep up dust first, i haf to do that then he use the wet mop which requires more strength. but by that time, my backache in the evening already set in. and when i finally buay tahan and reminded him, he was in the midst of some daily or some heroic or some raid or some areana. (yes thats so many things u can do in wow.) so he said he will mop today.
yet. he ended up sleeping at 8.30am today after a new game.
and he can still tell u he will buy breakfast for mi, mop the house then he sleep.
then why am i eating cup noodles?
coz he ended up in a heroic in wow after the games in hon.
and when i woke up coz i was hungry, i only slept for 3 hours becoz RX kept kicking mi and the weight was quite uncomfortable at night with tummy air. i wanted him to buy beehoon back for mi, he gave mi the phone ask mi call mcdonals. I ALREADY ate mcdonals yesterday becoz he was "busy."
i really haf quite enough of this shit.
i dono who to blame for all these.
myself coz i asked to have a baby?
him coz he doesnt prioritize or he does but im not the first on the list.
the wow people who keep him accompanied 24 hours a day. but of course they not related to mi so why should they bother how their actions affect him that will affect mi.
the inconsiderate bastards outside who are sick and wan everyone else to be sick with them until i cannot go out and get my own farking food.
...................................
tired hungry upset pissed.

and i can blog anything i wan becoz he never ever reads my entries. but i haf to rant it out in case i really break down, someone kind enough to go tell him for mi else nobody knows wad is happening.
thanks.

craving for steamboat and abalone today~

2009-08-12T17:59:00.000+08:00

dragged Hubby to 24hrsntuc in the middle of the night to avoid as much crowd as possible to buy groceries home. didnt order from cold storage this time as it was a super last minute craving for... STEAMBOAT!!!
but doh...they only sold newmoonbrand abalone.
i wanted to buy calmax, heard from forums that it's good, besides the super expensive "che lun" brand abalone.
so this morning..told hubby to try hockhua or the old ntuc to see if they sold abalone. or even fortune brand pacific clams.
hubby came back with "cedmex" abalone from hockhua. $80 per can.
i was sketical at first, thinking it was a pirated version of calmax as the design on the can was similar.
so when i told hubby, it's the wrong one, he said he knew but he bought coz ahgong's steamboat used this brand before and it tasted real good.
true enough, it was great! tho yes the "che lun" brand abalone is still tastier and softer.

funny part was usually it takes mi 2 hours to brew the soup base, prepare ingredients...but due to the big tummy blocking the sink, the table, everything i do is slower...i ended up having lunch after 4 hours of preparation. G_G
the soup base this time includes:
abalone stock, maize, pork ribs, fishballs, whitecabbage. (so far i would say this is the best tasting soup compared to the previous i ever made, leaving out the maize and abalone stock.)
going to have the same thing for dinner!!! craving satisfied~ xD

the other picture is yesterday's simple dinner. i tried to make meatballs for the first time. taste was okay but have to put lesser flour.
ingredients include minced pork, onions, carrots, springonions, garlic, cornflour, plainflour, egg, salt, soyasauce to taste. deep fry.

man i juz wasted a whole bucket of tears ==;

2009-08-08T17:29:00.001+08:00

decided to pick up a dvd that hubby rented for mi to watch.
i know i had soft spots for dog related shows and i cry at ALL dog related movies.
so i told myself NOT to watch any dog movies no matter how cute the dog is.
(the poor dog always subjected to either MIA, abuse, neglected, passaway..)
i dun even shed a tear for human related touching scenes. zzz
however!!!
this stupid dvd had a TRAILERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...
g_g
it was less than even 1 minute before i can react...these words came to screen as the dog appeared.
"you have many friends and companions."
"but i only have you..."
scene shows girl having a boyfren and dog is neglected.
my tears at my eyes already.

"i onli haf 10 years to live."
scene shows the boyfriend telling the girl that the dog was not moving anymore.
WTF
i started crying like mad lor.

OH MAN I HATE DOG MOVIES. are there any happy dog movies in the first place?

Hubby turned over from his computer and was so shocked so see me crying so badly. zzz
Then he called Sugar in for mi to pat...
sigh.

i remembered walking past a big pet shop at vivocity and there was this signboard of "commandments" or something about the dog's feeling. i read and I CRIED ALSO. diu.

i <3 Sugar so much!

diu pig trotters...

2009-08-07T16:58:00.000+08:00

i woke up juz to find the worse swollen feet i had in all these weeks.
zzz
then suddenly the nurse called mi and told mi to go down to see my gynae tho the scheduled appt is next week. tink they wanna check mi since i was feeling that uncomfortable few nights back.
so might as well juz go.

everything is fine. =)
happy! =))

RX is 1.2kg...compared to the 600g++ 3 weeks ago...no wonder i feel the "balloon" getting heavier when i turn from side to side on the bed.

Doc Tan oso commented that her legs were very long. =))) Hubby happy to hear that.

Last but not least, she already turned into the correct position for natural birth. =))))
(her head at my bladder, her feet at my ribs.)

after the check, Hubby mused that he saw the "hamburger" shape very distinctively already.
(turtle head shape means boy, hamburger shape means girl.)
lol

so now im wondering if i should play ekin cheng's songs to her since i know where her ears are at now...hmm.

you know what? i hate you.

2009-08-06T23:34:00.000+08:00

although u gave birth to mi,
you haf no right NO RIGHT at all to put my life in jeapordy.
you wan to die you die on your own.
you DONT read news,
you DONT surf web,
you are totally ignorant of wad other health ministries and statistics are showing in other countries.
just because singapore plays it low, and everyone is behaving normally, doesnt mean it is ALRIGHT.

why the hell u pick up an arguement with mi, juz becoz you dont want to see Hubby playing games? why do you rather him going out for beers/ktv/ciggys? ARE YOU MAD?

life is about choices.

you can GLUE yourself at the television when you get back from work.
dont you know the internet has a thing called youtube that you can watch shows and many stuff on it like a television? and yet you call it addiction? and even if Hubby is addicted, as long as he is safe, WAD HAS IT GOT TO DO WITH YOU?

i moved back home as the traffic at home is lesser than his family's. but if you are so determined to IGNORE all the hygiene and compromise my life, i will HAUNT YOU.

i will haunt anyone or anybody who harms mi. i mean it.

you ARE my mother yet you do not care two hoofs about how scared and worried i am.
at least my Hubby knows how to protect and ensure my safety.

i really thought you love me mummy. i am so wrong. you only love your money. you dunwan us to waste so much electricity and water by staying home. i KNOW you. and guess what? i hate you.

simple lunch the other day.

2009-08-06T03:11:00.000+08:00

honestly,
i would miss feeling RX's kicks and punches and somersaults after she's borned.
but also,
i cant wait to be self reliant again.
there are so many many things to do in the house that really nid my attention.
zzz
my belly been itching. think it's gonna stretch again.

my gynae actually called mi this morning to find out how i was coz the labour ward at TMC called to inform her.
she gave mi some tips on how to cope with breathlessness and contractions.
it really was scary last night.
hubby is horrible at reassuring.
i told him to practise else during labour, i panic, he oso dono wad to do.
i told him to just repeat these few sentences.
"you'll be fine"
"i will always be here"
"dont worry"
"i luv you"
"relax"
how difficult is that!

yesterday night as i panicked, he was like "mad" at himself for not being able to help mi. i told him to reassure mi to calm mi down but he didnt do it but was very stern and serious instead about asking exactly how my body was feeling. i said i did not know and he went quite angry, which made mi feel even worse. sometimes i would think its better not to tell him anything that happens at all else his so called "worried" will make mi feel so bad and its like my fault. or someone give him some reassuring classes?

tired.

2009-08-05T09:24:00.003+08:00

i really had enough of all this shit.
its not about how hard or tiring my body is doing.
its about RELYING ON people.
its not the first time i resorted to eating instant noodles when im hungry and hubby is busy with game.
he knows i have gastric problems and its obvious he knows im pregnant and even more so obvious when i haf been feeling unwell these days, especially last night. (i had breathing difficulties and contractions that were making mi even more panicky until i called the labour ward for reassurance.)

he oso knows everytime i wake up (for the past 10 years), i would want to eat something.
yet..
new patch came out.
new things to do.
he set his alarm clock to get up to check on the new things.
i never seen him setting alarm clocks to get mi food to eat on time.
i am not angry with hubby. its his nature and his character to be liddat.
but i hate the other 4 people who were online and thus made him able to were the ones who coaxed him into going into the new instance.

the problem can only be solved if..
I DUN HAF TO FARKING EAT all the farking time. i hate food. i hate to nid to eat.
I HATE the farking virus outside that make mi cannot go out and get my own food.
i farking HATE relying on anybody to do things for mi becoz they oso haf their own things to do. it simply sucks to sit around and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait for things to happen.

probably i should juz eat instant noodles 3 meals a day until i gif birth.

im really tired to explain and fight anymore.

it is my own fault anyway.
i told hubby when we were family planning that he doesnt nid to do anything but help in the bb making process.
i was strong and determined enough to continue life on my own so i will not disrupt his regular routine.
but why the farking virus has to appear of all times??????
else i dun even haf to farking mop the floor so frequently with dettol.
i dun have to bother disinfecting things that my mother picks back from 2ndhandplaces.
i can jolly well go out and have my meals as soon as i get hungry.

people, do NOT get pregnant if you are on your own. it really is not easy to cope alone. its emotionally draining. you nid the support and attention of the people you love. unless u are really that strong. :)

tonight's dinner

2009-08-01T22:53:00.001+08:00

so funny.

2009-08-01T13:55:00.000+08:00

These days i would wake up from the super kicks RX is practising.
seeing Hubby sleeping so soundly, i took his hand and placed it on my tummy.
he woke up as well after sensing one of her super kick.
gg
den he started to laugh and said
"Wah baby so guai4lan3 already ar."
den he imitated her "so called" actions with his fists and said
"poomng" as he did a punch into the air.
watching Hubby's amused and little boy face really brightens up the day.
den i secretly told RX
"your daddy is proud of u."
and she gave mi another kick.
gg